You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
