The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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