Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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