if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
