My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
