I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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