all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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