Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
