Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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