I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
