Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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