I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
