I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I showed him my bush... on skype.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
