Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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