My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
