Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
