He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
