you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
