I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
