Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
