but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think your dad took our porno
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
