so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
