I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
