$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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