I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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