a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize