wrigley field is MILF paradise
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
