Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
