life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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