sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
