Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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