the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
