My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize