Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
