she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Four minutes until I can fart!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
