All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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