so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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