Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
