When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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