she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
