How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
