On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
