I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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