11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
from now on my penis is your penis
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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