so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
