i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
