last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
