He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
