Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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