so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
