how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
