The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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