I have demons in me.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
