Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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