Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Let's get the cat blown out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
