so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
