Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
