I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
