She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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