remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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