I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
