she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
