Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
