You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm too high and old for this...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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