watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
