So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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