Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
